#02 - Questions Unanswered, Shadows of the Mind

[wandering_vanguard]

Title: Questions Unanswered, Shadows of the Mind
Fandom: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Prompt: Teenagers (for genprompt_bingo's Round #18.)
Rating: G
Length: 1,912 Words
Content notes: Takes place after the end of the first 1990's live action film.
Author notes: Not really.
Warnings: Mentions of death and philosophies concerning it.
Summary: After almost losing both his brother and father to Shredder, Mikey can't stop thinking about the 'what if' scenarios and it's affecting his sleep. Unable to take it any longer, he goes to his brothers with some very difficult questions to put his mind at ease.

"A wise man once said, 'No man is free who is not master of himself.' With this in mind, a ninja must strive to control all aspects of his being," Splinter reminds his sons, sitting on the same worn-out cushion he's had for the past fifteen years. He's the picture of elderly wisdom and grace, spindly hands clasped in his lap as he lectures them. "You must not allow fear to cloud your mind lest it consume you, my sons."

Having been through an ordeal with Shredder and the Foot Clan only a few weeks ago, Mikey is still suffering from the after-effects of it all. He lies in bed awake at night, tossing and turning with his eyes forced shut in hopes of falling asleep. A thousand 'what if' scenarios flip through his overactive imagination like some kind of sick film reel.

One unanswered question burns at the edge of his mind.

Huffing, he flips onto his shell again and opens his eyes wide to stare at the ceiling. His room shakes a little and a noise rumbles overhead, signaling the passage of another train somewhere above. The water stains on the crumbling concrete start to morph into morbid images of Raph in the bathtub with Leo at his side, whispering to him, pleading with him to be all right, and then Mikey sees the spirit of his father flickering in the flames of a camp fire.

He's chained to a wall.

Breath shuddering, Mikey squeezes his eyes shut again. When he hazards a peek at the ceiling again, it's just a water-stained piece of crap and he sighs with relief. Exhaustion starts to overcome his anxiety, though, and he feels around the floor beside his bed for the T-Rex plush he dropped earlier (the one Raph won for him at an arcade that was closed and they snuck into.)

He successfully retrieves it and pulls it close to his face, breathing in all the stank with a smile as he tries to forget that the last month or so even happened. Everything is back to normal around the lair. It's fine.

The next day has him feeling as antsy as ever.

Donnie is in his makeshift lab when he attempts to convey his anxiety to someone without looking like some weak, emotional cripple. He strides in with a whistle and a fake sense of curiosity as he pokes at one of the strange-looking metal objects lining the shelves.

"You're up early," Donnie says to him without looking up from the beaker on the table before him. "Master Splinter didn't even have training set for this morning and -- don't touch that, Mikey."

Jerking his finger away from the jar of glowing stuff on the counter adjacent to Donnie's workbench, Mikey saunters over with his hands clasped behind his back.

"What'cha working on?"

Donnie's tongue peeks between his clenched teeth as he adds a drop of some purple liquid to the green stuff in front of him. "An alternative fuel source for the new land vehicle I've been working on."

Mikey just vaguely hums in response.

Finally looking up from his experiment, Donnie narrows his eyes and asks, "That's it? No over-enthusiastic inquiries as to what this new vehicle is capable of or if it has the ability to disrupt the space-time continuum?"

"Oh? Uh," Mikey says as he thinks for a second and then shrugs. "I guess not?"

Donnie carefully notes the way that Mikey is pacing in circles around the lab, aimlessly at that, and that his interest is anywhere but the oddities and experiments he so often wishes to toy with.

"Is something bothering you?" he asks at length, frowning. "You haven't been your usual obnoxious self ever since we defeated the Shredder."

Mikey abruptly jolts at the mention of it. "W-Why d'ya say that?"

Donnie pulls his gloves off and pushes his protective safety goggles on his forehead. "Something is bothering you. I can tell."

"Actually, I did have a question," Mikey murmurs as he fidgets with another hunk of junk in the 'Reject' corner of the lab. "Do you know what happens when we..."

Tilting his head at an angle as if to hear him better, Donnie approaches him slowly and clap a hand onto his shoulder. "It's okay. Just spit it out."

"When we die," Mikey blurts out all at once, looking down at the floor. "What happens when we die? Where do we go?"

Color drains from Donnie's face. "Well, we...That is, I think we..."

"Hey, guys," Leo says as he cracks open the door and peers into the room. "The hoagies are here!"

Both of his brothers just stand there in awkward silence.

"Guys?" Leo repeats, pushing the door ajar to walk over to them. "Is everything okay?"

Donnie smiles nervously and thumbs over at Mikey. "Mikey has a question for you, Leo!"

Sighing, Mikey just waves his hand dismissively. "Nah. It wasn't that important." He walks past his brothers with a smile on his face and chirps, "Let's eat! I'm starved."

"What's going on?" Leo whispers to Donnie, arm around his shoulders as he takes him aside.

"I think the whole 'Shredder' affair had more of an impact on Mikey than we realize," Donnie mutters and glances over his shoulder to make sure that Mikey has indeed left the room. "Think about it, Leo. He's been extra spacey lately and not as annoying or chipper all the time."

Straightening himself, Leo heaves a sigh. "What were you two talking about before I came in?"

"He asked me about what happens when someone, well, you know," Donnie stammers, a little uncomfortable with it all. "What happens when you die. Or where we go."

"Damn," Leo curses, berating himself for failing to notice his youngest brother's anxiety earlier on. "We'll work this out, don't worry. I'll need your help, though."

Donnie nods and follows him into the open area of the lair where the living room, kitchen, and dining room all met as one. Master Splinter is nowhere to be seen because of his daily meditations, having concealed himself within the old rail car for concentration's sake. Raph and Mikey are already at the table, though, and Raph looks a little concerned himself as he shoots a 'what the hell' look back at his other two brothers.

"Family huddle," Leo announces as he approaches with Donnie on his heels. "Sit down, guys."

Raph is the first one to pop the inevitable question on everyone's mind, "So, what's the deal, Mikey? Why are you actin' so weird?"

Leo sighs loudly and shakes his head. "Not the way to go about this, Raph."

"It's okay, Mikey," Donnie reassures his brother with a pat on the back. "We just wanna make sure that you're okay."

Naturally trying to avoid the subject of his discomfort entirely, Mikey brushes it off with a laugh and jokes, "I was just kidding earlier! Donnie was so into his experiment that he was kinda ignoring me and I just wanted to shock him a bit, dudes. No big thing."

Narrowing his eyes, Raph scoffs, "You're a godawful liar, man."

"You asked Donnie about death and what happens after," Leo reminds him gently, urging him to sit down once more. "Is this because of what happened with Raph and Master Splinter?"

"God," Raph gapes with wide eyes, feeling rotten all of a sudden.

Donnie coughs and sheepishly admits, "I'm sorry for blowing you off at first, but I'm a little uncomfortable with the subject myself, Mikey."

"We did almost lose two members of our family, so it's to be expected," Leo says with a wry smile and a fond look in Raph's direction. "Thankfully, everything worked out and we're all still together. I'd say that pretty damn lucky."

Raph rubs the back of his head and murmurs, "Sorry, Mikey. I didn't know that's what was bugging you lately." His eyes widen a bit again and he looks at him with a mild pout. "Why didn't you bring this up sooner?"

Mikey shrugs, "I dunno. Thought it'd be too much of a bummer after all that happened. You guys seemed so happy that the Shred-dude was gone and we had Master Splinter back, so I just kinda..."

"We're always here for you." Leo's hands land on his shoulders and he gives Mikey a little squeeze. "You can come to us with anything, Mikey. We're your brothers."

Raph smiles and nudges Mikey in the cheek with his fist. "You can be annoying sometimes, but that's what little brothers do; doesn't mean we, you know, love you any less."

"I think what Raph is trying to say is that you don't have to suffer alone. We've all been coping with this in our own ways," Leo continues, smiling more as Donnie slides his chair over to wrap an arm around Mikey's shoulders. "As for what happens when we die, I can't say for sure."

"Maybe we're all part of some big, cosmic thing and we return to it when we pass on," Raph suggests, spreading his hands for emphasis. "All I could think about while I was recovering from that ambush by the Foot was whether or not I'd get to see you knuckleheads again, not where I'd be going to if I did die."

Mikey looks up at Raph hopefully. "So, what you're saying is?"

"We must endeavor to spend our time upon this Earth as fruitfully as we can."

All four turtles look up and behold their father emerging from the old rail car with a sage smile warming his features.

"Time should not be wasted on emotions like fear and anxiety, my sons. It avails us not," he explains and takes his place at the table with them. He turns to his youngest son and touches his hand. "During my incarceration, I thought similarly as Raphael; all I wanted was to be with my family again, to see you. In life and in death, this is the one thing that matters most."

"We'll always be together," Leo tells Mikey,leaning down to hug him around the neck.

Raph leans in for a quick embrace, too. "No matter what happens, little man."

Donnie just smiles more and pats Mikey atop the head, simply accepting the unknowns that his beloved science and intellect fail to offer any explanations for. "There's no point in worrying about something that won't happen for a long time anyways. It'll be okay."

"I assure you, Michelangelo," Splinter says with a laugh afterwards and a squeeze of his hand, "you a have a very long and prosperous life ahead of you. In no one I've ever met have I seen such vitality and a love for living."

"Got that right!" Raph chimes in, filling his plastic cup with some Coca Cola and lifts it in a toast "Here's to survival!"

Donnie lifts his cup and Splinter follows in similar fashion, smiling again.

"And family," Leo adds and raises his open cup, looking down fondly at his youngest brother.

With his nightmares abating already, Mikey basks in the warmth and smiles surrounding him. This is what he has to look forward to and he knows how lucky he is. Their brushes with death have only served to strengthen their bond and it will only get stronger with each encounter thereafter.

Beaming with a brilliance to rival the sun, Mikey thrusts his cup into the air and shouts emphatically, "Cowabunga forever, dudes!"